感恩詩 (wrote by Dad the day before Mom's 1st Chemo. Do you know what it really means?)

感恩詩

恭聆福音耳朝東 (註1)

右眺窮蒼實無窮 (註2)

海旁上空求啟示 (註3)

誠禱默詠不言中 (註4)

寬慈恩雨心中受 (註5)

水邊下望念聖容 (註6)

半刻半秒承恩澤 (註7)

女賢子孝證恩隆 (註8)

註譯

1.         東方是太陽升起的方向﹐即代表正義和公正﹔暗示耳向這個方向會聽到神召的福音。

2.         向右望﹐望向天際則發覺宇宙真是無恭無盡的。

3.         站在浩瀚的海邊﹐看著上空﹐希望得到一些啟示。

4.         誠心默默的在心中禱告。

5.         在心中感受到神的寬容和慈愛的恩典﹐賜與我的身上。

6.         而站在水邊的我﹐低頭看著水面﹐想著和掛念著神的容貌。

7.         每一點滴的時間﹐都在得到神的恩典和惠澤。

8.         現今的我﹐有著賢德孝順的子女﹐足以證明神在眷顧著我﹐這些都令我足以感恩。

意譯

有一天早晨﹐太陽出來的時候﹐站在海邊﹐面向北﹐右耳向東﹐好像聽到太陽照過來的地方﹐有福音傳來﹐所以便轉過頭來向天望﹐感到天邊無際﹐宇宙浩瀚﹐希望可以得到神的啟示﹐跟著便垂下頭來﹐在心中唸唸有詞地默默在祈禱﹐在心內想念著神的儀容﹐內心感受著神給與的恩典﹐同時亦感受得到每分每秒都有神在眷顧著﹐再細心一想﹐現今有賢孝仔女﹐是神的恩賜﹐實於願足已﹐理應感恩。

Please look deeply to the poem, and leave your answer thru comment box if you really understand what my Dad wrote. Giving you all a week to think ... and I will tell you all the answer... =) Have Fun!!!

1st Chemotherapy

Date: Nov 29, 2010

Time: 8:30am - 12:30pm

Location: Centennial Hospital Chemo center

Mom, Ka Ho and I went to Chemo center together. I let Ka Ho with mom while I was waiting outside. Since I won't be here for 2nd Chemo, it maybe good for him to know what is going on and let the nurse knows him.

Dr. Tepperman arrived very very on time, right at 9:00am. He went straight to all the patients. Mom was assigned to sit in the very end corner (go in, turn left, then turn left again... you see mom at the corner looking at you)

When Dr. was talking to each patient one by one, Ka Ho came out, he asked me to go in with mom since I knew what was going on. I went in, and Dr just arrived to see mom. He asked all general questions, and suggested Mom not to take any additional vitamins (such as Omega, etc). I listened it while I used my phone to record what he said. When he almost finished, he padded on mom's knee and looked right to mom, "It will be a very difficult process for you, especially physically, but don't worry. If you need to talk to me, just call to my office and I will try my best to help you to release the pain and the frustration."

What kind of doctors does this hospital hire??? I could feel that kindness of this Dr. and to be honest, he is really doing this for my mom. Maybe bcoz he knows my Dad is a Dr too? or bcoz of Dr. Wong? I don't know... just all these Doctors, Nurses... even helpers... they are just too nice... too nice to be true!!!

Anyway, Dr left, I went back out and explained to Ka Ho. Ka Ho went back in to be with Mom. As usual, he joked around with the nurse and make Mom felt happier and more relief while he was present.

While Ka Ho was with Mom, I was waiting outside at the reception. I was praying in my heart. I was praying for nurse didn't have a hard time to do Mom's IV, praying Mom wouldn't get rashes on skin with the IV stuffs and bandaids, praying that Mom won't get hard time on her side effects... ... ...

While I was doing all these things at the same time, Ka Ho came out again... He said Nurse already put the IV in Mom and it was one time thing, Lisa the nurse did an awesome job!!! (*#1: God listens the prayer)

After awhile, Ka Ho came out again, and told me that Lisa the nurse prepare the 3 BIG "NEEDLE Type" for mom. They were RED... (yeah, Ka Ho sounded like telling me a ghost story). This was how I answered Ka Ho, "OH~~~ really? ~~~ waaa~~~ Of coz she brought them to mom, I knew the red stuffs, STUPID!" Ka Ho laughed his head off and went back to see mom.

All of a sudden, I sneaked in to check them out. When I arrived mom's station, I saw a very "awake Mom", I looked at her and asked if she felt any pain, she looked at me, "HA! I couldn't feel a thing... dim suen?" The Nurse was injecting those RED STUFFS into her and she was supposed to feel uncomfort. (I was thinking... after she gave birth to me, she could handle any pain!!!! yeah, I was 9.5 lbs, BIG BABY!)... 

When Lisa the nurse was injecting the stuffs, she told mom that she would need to drink a lot of water in order to raise those RED STUFFS out, or it will overload the kidneys. Mom nodded her head repeatly, Ka Ho and I were wondering if she really understood what Lisa said...

Around 12:00pm, Ka Ho came out with all the stuffs on his hands. I looked at him and he told me everything was completed. I looked at him and tried to digest what he was saying, I saw mom walking around in the room. I looked at Ka Ho again, and Ka Ho said, "yeah, don't look at me... I don't know what your mom is doing.. nurse asked her not to move around, and she just stood up and walking out... but yeah, she can leave if she is not dizzy or anything..." 

Mom came to me, "I am OK! Don't worry, but need to go to washroom." Then she came out from the washroom and sounded like a kid, "wow! Lisa was so true... the pee is RED!!!"  (*sigh, mom... Lisa already mentioned that million times, don't make it

look like you find out yourself... *sigh*) 

Sorry, I will make the Long story short... we left Hospital, mom complained she was very hungry, end up we went to Costco to have Burger with fries. Good thing was.. Mom didn't eat her fries that much. That means she starts to concern what she put into her mouth...

After we came back from getting the drugs for her side effects, she went to bed straight. Yeah, after a long morning, Mom was very tired.

But now... she is walking around in her room ... humm.... never listen to the medical team. But I know the condition may get worse tomorrow. Let's pray for her Not to get worse, will you?

I know she is very tired... just don't want to rest yet... *sigh*....

Fire in my heart...

OK, Flame in my heart is still on... but surroundings are just too cold now....

God takes care of my fire... he already put a number of firewoods in... it is warmer than before (FOR SURE)... but just afraid that the COLD surrounding makes the fire going smaller.

It is just so hard to maintain the fire... I will let God handle it. I can only do that much... can't do more than that now...

To all who care about my mom and my family, I am struggling on the edge now... breaking down and taking rest... it is just a line between. Please pray for my mom and my family.

Please pray for my mom in order to let God handle her uncomfortable feelings, her struggles, and her pain.
Please pray for my brother, Ka Ho, who is having exams and all kinds of stuffs in his life. Need to organize them by God.
Please pray for my father, who is worrying Mom everyday. He calls home every 4 hours. Just want to make sure Mom is ok mentally and trying to cheer her up when he sounds very down.
Please pray for my another brother, King, who is in HK, also having exams and thinking of mom everyday.
Please pray for me, as I am very depressed lately. feel that I can do more and do better for mom, but physically can't handle it. I also feel so guilty that I am not handling well on what God planned for me. Pray for wisdom from God.

Thank you for all your prayers.

I don't want to battle alone

Dear Lord,

please help me.

Nightmares are haunting me again.

Why do I need to battle with mom alone? I didn't get enough help from Ka Ho. I didn't stand up enough for mom.

I cry every night bcoz I am totally exhausted. I know you are with us in between. Please take away my worries, please take away my frustration. please let us win the battle with your glories.

My Lord, I feel so lonely inside me. Kenneth can only help up to a certain point. I believe, I strongly believe that you let me resign and let this happen within your plan and your purpose. I feel so weak, please gear me up and let me stand in front of mom.

My Lord, I once again put my whole family into your hands. Please take the worries away from Dad and King. They can't do much but pray to you, my Lord. I know they are trying their best to give supports to mom. This is not easy. Evil always talks to us and let us shaking... Please protect us from all the things struggling us. Please arms around us and let us being protected.

Please take care of Ka Ho for me as I don't want to take the advantage that he is part of the family and he has to help. He has his struggles in his life too. Please protect him.

I praised to you that you provide so many angels around my family. So many helpers who are willing to help. Thank YOU for doing all these preparations for us.

Lord, whenever I think of your preparation for us, I have less fear... please protect me as I need to change my family diet in order to influrence mom's. I need to clean the house before it gets dirty. Please help me...It is a big change / revolution for my family physically and mentally.

Please help me... I know I am not alone afterall. Please take the emptiness away from me. Thank you. I know you keep my prayer in your promise.

In the name of Jesus Christ.

~Amen

Entertainment of the weekend: Steppers in my mom's washroom.

Mom got up early (as usual). Then she asked me to put on the facemask for her. I left home for the new home issue (yeah, we are going to move next year) and Mom fell to sleep and didn't get up until 2:00pm. She called me and got her some dishes for lunch.

(yeah... what? 2:00pm still lunch? by the time I arrive home, should be 4pm)

When I arrived home, mom steamed the "preserved sausage" and white rice. *sigh*, I told her that she shouldn't cook white rice. Mom complained, "Why not? the brown rice is very hard to eat..... why do I need to eat them?"

I kept asking myself, WHY? WHY? yeah... WHY???? WHY do I need to cook such things for her? Why do I need to make sure she eats healthy? Why do I make all those changes???

I was not asking her to cook BROWN rice ONLY, but at least mix brown rice with white rice? It was like I was forcing her to kill herself... but I just wanted to let her eat healthy and started to change the way she ate...

Why at this moment she wouldn't listen? I cook more veggies to her, she just ate one piece. You are not reading it wrong, yeah, she ONLY ATE ONE PIECE out of the whole dishes.

oh, Lord, I really wanted to give up. why the heck do I care what she eats? what do I get if she eats shitty junk food? WHY DO I CARE?

I care bcoz I love her.
I care bcoz I want her to celebrate my wedding with me.
I care bcoz I want her to witness my baby born
I care bcoz I hope she has a healthy body.

She has no exercise. She complains knees hurt, so I bought her the electrical cycling machine so she can use it when she is watching TV. She just puts it away...
She complains she looks fat, so I suggest to have do some light exercises and maybe just walk around in the house. She just ignores me...

Why do I need to go thru all these??? WHY?????????????????

Well, after my complain, let me show you what my mom's entertainment today:

Ka Ho brought a friend, Wendy, home to help mom to wash wool sweaters...

 There were so a few of them (4-5 sweaters?) ... Mom was the supervisor...

By looking at how they do it. I know they are not going to do good on the WINE making. (Wendy maybe, but not Ka Ho for sure)...

Anyway, Thank you for giving mom 10 mins's laughs as Wendy and Ka Ho were doing it all WRONG.... *sigh* ...

Rating: R! (alert on what you are going to read)

Mom and I went to Centennial hospital again. at 8:00am!!!

8:00am!!! That is early for me as I havn't actual get up that early after resignation.

We arrived the register desk and Mom showed that she was a bit nervous. She prepared to have blood test, measure blood pressure... etc etc. End up, she got changed and went into a room to do ultra-sound for 20 mins. Haahahaa! She kept saying "it was a waste for me NOT to have my breakfast...."

I prepared the bread with peanut butter with jam. (It is my favourite that I just can't think of what else Mom would eat)

We finished around 9:00am, we went down to Chemo centre and checked if we could rearrange the "pre-clinic session" from 11:30am to earlier. Unfortunately, the nurses were so busy. Mom agreed to stay in the hospital until then. We decided to stay in that "bad tasty" Country style until 11:30am. Then Dr. Wong's receptionist came down to get Coffee, and Mom was so happy to talk to her. (Thank you, Jenny)

I started to feel pain from my Tummy (Huh.... Period again! Sorry... I know all of you don't want to know about it... but it is very important that you know what it is actually, especially you want to hear the rest of my story).

Jenny went back to Dr. Wong's office and Mom started to knitting. Almost 11:00am, I really feel tired with my period pain... and I suggested to mom, I wanted to sit somewhere more comfy. I decided to brought the things back with mom and rest in the car for 5-10 mins.

We turned on the heat a bit so Mom won't felt cold. (Actually, Mom felt much warmer than me. She has a healthier body than me. (If you remembered, mom used to wear a wool sweater underneath with summer wears during WINTER TIME).

However, that 5-10 minutes felt much better.... Mom closed her eyes to rest abit.

We went to Chemo Centre, registered, and I felt so uncomfortable again. When we were waiting for the nurse, Pharmacist came to us and dropped down all mom's drug list. I felt so dizzy and asked if he could give me a pain kill (of coz I know he can't. at least I should try) Anyway, it was so hard for me to answer all his questions and mom and I went back to the reception area. I could felt that I was so pale. Mom looked at me and passed me her wallet and asked me to get the medicine (That is why I love my mom so much. She is just so innocent. By looking at me, she just thinks I am ok next minute. But tell you the truth, I couldn't even focus that moment)

When I took her $20, and ready to go to shopper, but that time, I knew I couldn't walk out of the Centre. I turned around and looked at mom, "Mom, I think I want to throw up, I better head to the washroom than the Shopper..." I went to washroom and looked at my pale face. "Oh, my... "... I had to breath deeply. deeply.

Mom knocked at the washroom door, and asked me to come out. Bcoz she was afraid that no one could save me. I managed to come out at the same time, the nurse came to see Mom.

Nurse asked, "Mrs. Wong?" (yeah, my mom uses her maiden name)
Mom handed up, "I am here". Then the nurse looked at me, "who are you?"

I said to nurse, "I am her daughter, translator supposed to be, but I think I am fainting..."

Then the next thing I remembered the nurse got me the wheelchair, I sat on it and it went really fast to the bed, however, I was on the bed with mom beside me. At that moment, I didn't know who was the patient.

When mom was sitting beside my bed, asked me if I was ok. One side, I felt bad... that end up I was the one on the bed, on the other side, "haaha!" She was not that focusing on her condition. Good Good! hahaah!

Anyway, after 15mins, I was awake and back to the normal me. Ka Ka Ka... But mom told me that Dr. Wong walked by and surprised that I was on the bed... Nurse told him she was so confused that she didn't know who was her patients anymore....

ha ha ha... Yeah... that was our days.

Here was the picture Mom took for me. Don't laugh...

Seriously, I was unconscious at this moment. Mom you were the best, you took a good picture. Hahaha!

Short hair? long hair? no hair?

Whenever I see your short hair.... I really want to shave all my hair off to support you. I can't do much... but doing that... but there are just too many people against my idea, especially my wedding is approaching? But what is the BIG deal to have LONG hair for the wedding. I am fat and doesn't matter short hair, long hair or no hair... won't make big different on my outlook. I am fat...  then why can't I shave my hair off with you?

 Mom got a very short hair cut. To be honest, it looks really good. not only on phone, but in person... it looks really good. Mom is trying to prepare the mood for the Chemo, but I know ... deep down in her heart, she is not ready yet. She has a lot of HOPING.. hoping she is one of a very few will not lose her hair, hoping it is not a painful process, hoping her own body recover really soon.

Mom, I really want to get a hair cut. Just want to be with you mentally, physically and spiritually... I browse around on web, and I got the following girl's picture. She looks so beautiful with no hair...

Who said pretty woman MUST with hair? look at her... so lovely. God created us differently. Some people with hair loss in young age... Some people can keep hair very healthy and long... for me... I am not a lady girl... I love to have short hair... Just bcoz people around me love me with LONG HAIR, so I keep my hair.

Mom, Don't worry. God will give you better hair gain back after Chemo. Hang on!!!

五行欠打。。。

今日好重書卷味﹐因為Mommy 晨早放晒D墨同筆出來。Anyway﹐下午同琪琪& Priase 食完真餃子。。。 大家都好滿足﹗ 我同Mommy 去左一間韓國人開既美容店﹐Mommy 又Showoff 佢既韓文。。。 哈哈哈﹗ 次次都係個幾句﹐叫佢講多D﹐佢話佢唔記得。
Beatrice 提我要預備多D 健康食品﹕ 五行湯﹗ (五行欠打湯)

去到萬草堂問。。。先知FMP 個間已經唔係同一間。好彩去左呢間。。。Mommy 可快問﹕“有無五行欠打湯﹖” 成間店D 人靜晒。。。

跟住我笑到 *sign....* OF CAUSE﹐唔該你哋唔好問Mommy﹐佢唔會認﹗ 哈 哈﹗ 都係怪我成日話五行欠打﹐五行欠打。。。

返到屋﹐Mommy 以 9.9秒換衫﹐開始寫書法﹐ 佢寫乜﹖


向前面影張你哋睇。。。

影完就被鬧。。。你為有等到我結婚先有得睇。。。 Too bad...

寫左成三個鐘﹐ Mommy 話對眼睇唔到野。 所以我要佢睇完蘇零峰先俾佢上去訓 (早上去﹐早起身。。。end up 早亂諗野。。。
Mommy, 努力﹗ 我仲累﹐但我未show 出面。。。


各位﹐唔該留下言。 我改左個setting, 你哋無account 都可以留隻字俾Mommy。

些些~~ (Thank you)

有呢個Blog 既原意﹕可以唔使講甘多次。。。

FYI﹐ I am trying to make sure Everyone know the process, however, I am trying to set up this blog... so people know how my mom and at the same time... how I feel... (yeah... I am a bit being selfish, just record my own little feeling).

你哋好﹐我相信你哋睇呢個blog 因為你哋想知道多D關於Lily 既情況。

今日同mommy去睇Dr. Wong﹐ 同平時一樣mommy 好奇望去見Dr. Wong, 因為只要見到佢Mommy 就有再一次既支持。

Dr. Wong 確定Mommy 既傷口復原得好快﹐所以可以下星期一去化療。

而我﹐嘗試同自己講要令 Mommy 食得健康﹐首先要話佢知平時食開既野十樣有八樣唔可以再食或者食甘多。但係去到我哋shopping 既哋方﹐end up mommy 想食所有多糖多鹽多油既野。。。

同佢講點知就發爛渣﹐ 我都係想個個食得健康D。

算啦﹐end up 一杯雪糕就暫時停佢既多糖多鹽多油既request...

但係又可以食幾多杯而唔令Mommy 血糖高呢﹖

Mom, I love you very much, but it is just so hard for me to talk to you like I talk to Baby... unless you understand the way I talk to Baby = the way I talk to my dogs... I am sure you won't listen to it... hahaahaa! what else can I do?

Dear God,
Thank you for giving a great Dr to my mom.
Thank you for letting mom know all my family members worried about her.
Thank you for letting me off the work and take care of mom.
Thank you for giving me patience to deal with the situation.

What else can I say, Lord? I love you Lord.